What’s standing between you and feeling sexy ? - It’s not just a few pounds!
So I mentioned last week I have been talking with many of you about your biggest hold ups in the bedroom. Low desire and just straight up not feeling sexy were the two biggest complaints. I can’t tell you how many people wrote to me saying “if they could just lose a few pounds”, everything in the bedroom would change.
So I’ve been unpacking that a little bit.
What does it mean to be “sexy”? What is supposed to look like, how does it feel?
When I think of the word sexy - I think of a lot of things, but the default is to imagine Cosmo mag covers, sensuous lips and MTV dance moves. I think of a lot of skin, and your typical boudoir shots - open mouths, intense gazes, and arched backs. It’s automatic cause it’s been drilled into me. I think of those days I walk down the street with swagger, comfortable in my clothes and the way I am projecting myself to the world (God that feels like a LOONG time ago). I think of those moments during sex where I am able to completely lose myself in it. I think of those brief glances I catch of myself in the mirror at times where I think - oh hey there beautiful (they are rare, but they do happen).
Here’s the thing though - almost all of that is about an outward gaze and someone outside of me deeming me to BE sexy.
Many of us know what it’s like to PERFORM sexy.
I have a very clear picture of my 20 year old self on the bar dance floor, swinging my hips a la Britney Spears ever watchful for the cute guy who just might catch my sexy moves. I was performing sexiness that I had seen in the media. It was not for me - it was for the male gaze. Have you been there?
Fewer of us have a really strong sense of what it’s like to actually FEEL sexy or to feel sexual.
To me, feeling sexy is to be lost in my senses. To be in a space of such pleasure and delight that I am no longer aware of the edges of my body. I don’t feel any lumps and bumps, any outward gaze on myself. It is pleasure from within radiating out of me.
I feel this way when I laugh whole belly laughs with my friends, when a really good song comes on and I close my eyes and I just lose myself to the movement. I am not imagining some fictional observer, I am just feeling the music, feeling my body, feeling my pleasure, when I am in nature, and overwhelmed by the beauty of the night sky, and when I can stop and truly take in my gorgeous body without comparison to some media stereotype. I can feel all of these things regardless of my weight or wardrobe. I have access to this anytime!
Back on that bar dance floor in my 30s. I remember having a distinctly different experience. I was all dressed up and feeling good - but when we entered the bar I immediately felt just old - looking at all the little 18 year olds frolicking around. But one of my fave songs came on and I closed my eyes and grooved, and I knew in my heart it was just for me. I wasn’t there to perform. I was there to feel. And I felt sadness for that younger version of myself that spent so much energy performing her sexuality.
She can be hard to hold on to - that sexy self. Especially as a mama. I find there is not a lot of room for her in my life right now. There’s glimmers of her - but she doesn’t have a lot of room to breathe, and I shut her down a lot. Recently we’ve had a few more kid- free nights and I didn’t realize until then that walking around naked or in a robe is a big way that I feel more sensual and sexy in my skin. I lead family dance parties a lot, but I am not going to writhe around on the floor in front of my 9 year old comfortably. And moaning and groaning during sex just feels a little less unbridled when the three year old is next door.
So I’m working on it. I’m working on finding that sexual part of myself. On giving her room to breathe in my life. Cause she’s worthy of it. Cause it’s necessary. And cause I don’t have to wait for that extra 20 pounds to come off to get there.
So my questions, as I continue to unpack and explore this is…
How did you learn “sexy”?
What does it mean to you?
Do you want to keep all those beliefs, or are you ready to ditch some?
Do you know how to tap into your sexy self? How do you make room for her in your life?
I’d love to hear. Comment here or hit me up in the DMS on Instagram and Facebook.
Much love from me to you.
Sofia