5 Ways Your Cell Phone is Killing Your Sex Drive

So the other day I’m mindlessly scrolling at bed time - likely while waiting in the dark in the chair next to my son’s bed for him to fall asleep (it’s so fun isn’t it), when I came across a clip of a woman talking about how she knew it was time to fix her relationship to her phone and dopamine when every day things that used to make her feel good weren’t filling the tank anymore. She wasn’t getting that rush of pleasure from dinner with friends, or a good run, or a yummy meal. Things just felt meh - like there was no sparkle - unless it was fast and furious and on her phone. And it got me thinking, about “dopamine fasting” and screen addiction and libido. Because, well, what she experienced could be said for many of our sex lives. Now, I’m not negating the bajillion reasons I talk about on the regular that are killing your libido - chief among them sexual belief systems and the not-really-worth-craving-sex you are likely having these days. And I think it’s something worth considering.

So after some research, I present to you a few reasons how your cell phone might be killing your sex drive. It’s not an exhaustive list, and it’s not peer reviewed science, but it could be worth exploring your own relationship with your phone - to see what might show up for you.

1. It’s cock blocking your intimacy: First and foremost if your cell phone has a regular spot at your bedside table and is the first thing you look at when you wake up and the last thing you look at before going to sleep (guilty!) - your cell phone is likely not doing much to enhance your connection with your partner. Those precious moments in the morning and before bed don’t have to be committed to full on sexy time - especially if you are terrified of hearing little feet enter your room - but they are perfect times to fill your intimacy cup with eye gazing, face stroking, kissing, and words of affection. These micro moments of intimacy build up over a day or a week and add to the bank account of warm feelings you have towards your partner. More warm feelings equals more receptivity to sex and or more interest in the first place.
   
   Quick Fix - Consider going old school with an alarm clock and banish your cell phone from your bedroom or at least the bedside table. Trust me you’ll hear it if an emergency rings in the middle of the night.
   

2. It’s adding to your stress levels: Too much stress in your life can affect the amount of dopamine that is in your system. Too little dopamine can have an impact on sex drive, and even erectile function for penis owners. Dopamine is a neurotransmitter. It’s released when we do pleasurable things as a reward and a motivator to keep doing the thing that feels good. This is true for primary instincts - like get food, get warm, procreate, and it’s the same for yummy ice cream, flashy visuals and drugs. If we have too little of dopamine in our system, or an inability to produce much of it it we reduce the reward and motivation system in your brain. So even if you are doing the pleasureable thing, you aren’t releasing enough dopamine to give your body the signal that this is a pleasurable thing it wants to do again. So what does your cell phone have to do with stress? Well, while it doesn’t necessarily create the barrage of things on your to do list - it can excacerbate it. When you are constantly tuned in to the to do list and getting notifications for every Pinterest pin and Instagram like, these can be little hits of dopamine, or they can be little hits of stress. It’s like a little reminder of all you have going on and all you COULD be doing right now in your pocket at all times. When we don’t take time away from our device, to steep our attention fully into the present moment (being with our kids, being with our partner, being with nature, being with ourselves), our cell phones can add to the stress that impacts how dopamine works in our system.
   
   Quick Fix: Try cell phone free times in your day when you are physically away from your phone and it is totally off. Even if you just opt to leave it at the house while you go for a 20 min walk with your toddler. Turn it off and leave it in the other room while you read a book, watch a show (ya single tasking man!), or on your lunch or coffee break at work. I promise nothing earth shattering will happen on your phone in those 20 minutes. Notice how you feel during and afterwards. Try turning off your notifications - especially on your smart watch.
   

3. It’s overloading your brain on dopamine: If you are using the dopamine pathways all the time for instant gratification (ahem your cell phone), those pathways get overused and dysfunctional. What that means is that the sex, or the touch, the kiss, the glance, that used to give you a dopamine reward may not anymore. People often talk about no longer feeling the rush or the anticipation in their sex life anymore. And while a long term relationship can erode the eroticism and the mystery (thus affecting the dopamine reward system), one could argue maybe your cell phone use is playing a role here too. In her Book Come as You Are - Emily Nagoski talks about the monitor. It’s this internal part of your brain that is tracking how much effort you are putting into something and the reward your are receiving for it. If it determines that too much effort for too little reward and says “Fuck this, shut it down”. But when our brain is so used to getting a massive reward at the flick of a finger (on your screen not your V) then that monitor can get a little misguided - giving up before we have even started.
   

   Quick Fix - Not sure there is a quick fix for this one but rather a question - can you tell the difference in your body between gratification, or instant gratification and actual pleasure? What gives you true pleasure that you feel deep in your bones? How can you add more of that to your life? Hot tip focusing on your five senses is a great pathway in.
   

4. It’s messing with your focus and motivation. Dopamine also plays a role in focus and motivation and when your phone is messing with your dopamine levels its messing with your ability to get excited about things and choose where you want your attention to be. The work of Dr. Lori Brotto’s work on sexuality and mindfulness, as well as 2000 years of Buddhist tantric practices tell us that mindfulness or the ability to choose where your attention is can be hugely beneficial to your sex drive and your experience of sex. When your brain can’t quite focus on the gentle tickle on your inner thighs, or the taste on your lovers lips, or their warm breath … well… let’s just think about what could be possible if you could focus on it a bit more.
   
   Quick fix - Find your focus by focusing on your senses - it can be during intimacy but also in your daily life. Smell yummy things, close your eyes and focus on your taste buds when you eat that strawberry, really enjoy the feeling of lotion on your skin as you get ready in the morning. These simple small acts can help you find your focus again.
   

5. It can add to your burn out and overwhelm. When parenthood has already got your frazzled and unfocused, overwhelmed and just maxed, well that screen time with fast paced, visual and cognitive input can lower your already depleted mental reserves. It’s like adding fuel to a fire in your already burning building. You’re touched out, managing little people who scream and yell all day, have a taxed schedule, and an overloaded nervous system. When your attention is maxed your ability to process your internal environment (all your feels) and your external environment (your partners invitations to sex). That makes it harder to make sense of what’s going for you and your feels, and harder still to process your partners invitations for you. It feels like a scramble you just want to avoid, and so your internal monitor will shut down even thinking about the whole mess.
   

   Quick Fix - I don’t know - smash your phone? Get a dumb phone? See all other quick fixes above. Do everything you can to hold on to your body, you feels, and your nervous system. Use any hacks and tools you need. Remember that those tools and hacks are really just adaptations to the stresses of current life - and what we really need, story for another time, is to break down the systems that have us working our butts off parenting without a village and drowning just trying to live. (Feels heavy, know, I’m just processing the irony of having to pay for and download an app to control my phone addiction - can you relate?)

I’m no brain scientist but I’d say all in all it’s likely my phone, and probably yours, while maybe not the main reason my libido is underground, it sure is not helping things. The good news is the are things we can do, the good news is we can break up with our phones, even just a bit at time, and we can come back to the body, back to the breath, back to the senses - cause they are always there to remind us where our attention can flow.

Let me know in the comments which one you are going to try this week.

P.S. It’s almost ready - the Free Five Day Libido Revival Challenge - Light Your Fire will be coming to inboxes soon. Join anytime, get five days on mini lessons (10 minutes to listen and 10 minutes to practice) right to your inbox, learn a whole lot about how your libido works and get started on the journey back to the spark in yourself and your relationship after kids. Get on the waitlist here to be the first to access it.